Welcome to the new C. Style! I’m excited to be back with a new look. For a long time, I felt the blog and its corresponding social medias were no longer congruent with me and my style. So I did a little reflecting during my break, and I thought I’d share a little bit about what I realized.
When I first started C. Style, I started it as an outlet for myself as a stay-at-home mom. To be honest, looking back, I was probably doing it more to prove to myself that I was still good at something or still somebody! You see, all my life I’ve defined myself by what I did and how well I did it. I’m a honor student. I’m a high performing Pharmaceutical Rep. I’m a well liked, friendly person. I’m a stay-at-home mom. That’s how I would define myself. Unfortunately as a stay-at-home mom, I felt like I was completely failing (even though, looking back, I wasn’t) and therefore failing as a person. Remember, my identity was in what I did and how well I did it. So I started a blog and business about clothes to have an identity that I could be a successful at and that would make me feel good. Well, that worked for awhile, and it was great, until it wasn’t.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t define myself as a successful mom, successful stylist, or successful fashion blogger because, inevitably, I was going to make mistakes and couldn’t control everything! I couldn’t control how my boys behaved (yes, I can parent, but when your baby is screaming in Target, you can’t control it). I couldn’t control how things on the blog were being perceived. I couldn’t keep up with my styling schedule and would inevitably disappoint people! I then realized that I couldn’t please everyone, which was tragic! Why tragic? Because who I was was at the mercy of how my boys behaved, if people were happy with me, and if people received things the way I meant them. My head started spinning! Did I say that right? Did I do this right? Did I handle this right? I became so confused! Why was I so obsessed with being in control? Why did I have a need to be perfect and liked?
After some soul searching, I figured out why. All of these identities I tried to give myself to be somebody had failed. I actually didn’t really know who I was. This sent me down the long road of grappling with the effects of being raised by an alcoholic mom and figuring out who I really was vs. the titles/ name(s)/identities I had assumed. It was dark, and I struggled with depression. I dug deep in my faith and sought help. It was so painful that I couldn’t share it on here. So, in the meantime, I stopped sharing about myself because well, I didn’t know who I was -ha! I defaulted to clothing posts. It was safe, and I enjoyed it!
Well, I’ve come a long way, and I’m only at the start. I won’t call it a journey because then we will all gag (if you haven’t already -ha)! Now I feel more comfortable sharing. I’m not sharing all of this to be a downer, but so you all know where I’m coming from. I’m learning to stop grabbing for titles to define me or letting how well I do something define me. I’m giving up my hustling ways to be somebody. I am just going to be OK with being me. And part of me is doing something well, but I won’t be defined by it. No title, just me. That’s why I took a break and revamped the blog. It needed to represent the real me. This is the starting line to my new way, and I’m so happy to have you all, my friends, with me. I have always felt the love from you, even when I would share just a bit, you all would give me big hugs back. I think you guys loved me and my imperfections even when I couldn’t receive it (oh my gosh, I have tears in my eyes writing this). Anyway, thank you for being such a loving group of people who share in life’s messiness with me. I’m so grateful for each of you.
A few (or not) books I read to help me give up the hustle: Gifts of Imperfection, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist, Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning, The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone, and Fearless by Max Lucado