What are you up to this weekend? My husband and I are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary. My dad is watching our boys for the night, so we are heading to Dos Brisas to skeet shoot and enjoy a massage! Odd combo? Maybe, but I love it!
I stay far away from advice on anything other than clothes because the more I live, the more I realize how wrong I am about most things (especially parenting and marriage). So, I’ll just stick to the very big lesson I learned during our 13th year of marriage.
When I got married, I thought I completely believed and embraced the “you can’t change him” truth, but then I found myself frustrated with him a lot. Frankly, he doesn’t need changing. He’s just a human and doesn’t do things just like I do, so, of course, that annoys me! Because why in the world would you wake up 5 hours before a flight just to get to the airport 3 hours early? Well, I realized that I actually hadn’t fully embraced not wanting to change him. I didn’t think his way was right, I wanted it to change, and I was frustrated! After all, I was tired and waking up 5 hours before our flight ruined MY trip! (Hi, I’m a brat) This scenario can expand to any number of things, like how to load the dishwasher, or how to handle a situation with the kids… That’s all hypothetical, of course.
The point is, I’d focus on what he was doing and get frustrated. Well, what I really needed to do was get myself right! He’s not my problem! I’m my problem! I’m focusing on the wrong thing! The more I focus on getting myself right with God and taking care of myself, the better we are as a couple! Now, don’t get me wrong, I still get frustrated and some days we still just don’t jive. But it’s not as devastating because he’s not the person I’m looking to to make me happy.
You know what else I found out once I started to worry about myself? He actually has some really good ways of doing things. Way better than I do… sometimes -ha! Sometimes my boys need that voice of reason, and sometimes there actually is really bad traffic on the way to the airport! However, the dishwasher loaded my way is still the best -ha!
A close friend I hadn’t seen in awhile recently asked me how we were doing. Look, close friends know marriages struggle, and I appreciated her bravery to ask and her vulnerability. I mentioned my lesson to her, and she told me something that really solidified it for me. A friend of hers, who is a marriage counselor, said that 90% of the couples that come to see her for counseling need to stop focusing on each other and start focusing on themselves and their relationship with God. There you have it. That’s my lesson. Now, excuse me while I go rearrange the dishwasher.
Brandi says
November 3, 2017 at 9:10 AMReally great read and reminder!!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 11:30 AMThank you!
Kim Hammer says
November 3, 2017 at 10:00 AMGreat advice! Know I sure needed it… Have a very happy anniversary!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 11:34 AMThank you, friend!
Kandi says
November 3, 2017 at 10:09 AMGreat advice. This made me laugh today bc one of specific things my husband does that drives me and my two daughters batty is make us get to the airport SO EARLY! We travel quite a bit as a family so we face this quirk often. My girls are 13 and 14 now. One of the first things they ask me about a trip plan is “what time does our flight leave?” Bc they know if it is a morning flight that my husband is going to wake them up at 4 AM and have them at the airport three hours early. We have all learned to accept it and make sure we have a good book to read for the hours we spend there. 😜 It is his way of taking good care of us! Happy anniversary!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 11:41 AMI love your perspective!
Amanda says
November 3, 2017 at 10:31 AMthank for this post! We just celebrated our 13th anniversary on Sunday and everything you said above I have felt inside. Small annoyances sometimes overshadow the big picture and we occasionally need to be reminded what is important. At least I do – I am not perfect by any stretch. Thank you for being REAL!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 11:43 AMYes, exactly! I thought my way was always the best for way too long!
Gina says
November 3, 2017 at 12:46 PMCarly, that is GREAT advice. Thank you for sharing that we need to focus on our relationship with God to have peace in our marriages. You always inspire me here.
That is beautiful photo of you two! Congratulations on 13 married years together!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 3:01 PMThank you, Gina!
Blair Canfield says
November 3, 2017 at 12:49 PMLove this post! Happy Anniversary and have a great trip!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 3:01 PMThank you, Friend!
Sarah Kate says
November 3, 2017 at 12:56 PMI’ve learned to let go of the dishwasher battle and be grateful he puts dishes in the dishwasher since so many men don’t!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 3:01 PMThis is such a great point!
Lori says
November 3, 2017 at 1:01 PMHappy Anniversary!! Cute couple.;) I am very good at blaming my husband for things. Lol. Call me a blamer.;) You’re spot on. I think in any relationship, when things are bumpy, not making you happy, it’s important to take a long hard look at yourself. We can only change ourselves. Have fun!
Carly Lee says
November 3, 2017 at 3:02 PMHa! I’m a big blamer, too! You are exactly right!
Fran says
November 3, 2017 at 9:24 PMLove it!!! I always redo the dishwasher too! 🤗
Leigh says
November 4, 2017 at 2:59 PMHappy anniversary! Excellent advice! Thank you!
kristen says
November 5, 2017 at 12:31 PMI’ve been thinking about this post since I read it on Friday. It’s such a wise lesson – and one that I will take to heart. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Carly Lee says
November 5, 2017 at 3:51 PMHi Kristen, Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
stephanie says
November 7, 2017 at 8:38 AMYour honesty is amazing!! Love, love, love.
Happy Anniversary
Carly Lee says
November 7, 2017 at 5:06 PMThank you for your comment!