Since spring break, it’s been one of those seasons in life when projects and responsibilities are never ending. When one project or responsibility ends, something else starts. I’ve tried to schedule my calendar so these seasons are few and far between, but sometimes there is no way around it. Life happens. Once I realized I was in one of those seasons (it took me about two and half weeks- hahahaha!), I tried to approach things a little differently. Normally, I would push myself to keep doing all the things I normally do with the same effort I usually put into them, while fitting the new responsibilities in between. Meanwhile, I’d completely lose my sanity and $hit. Not to mention, I’d be a total beast to be around- exhausted, haggard, full of self pity and resentment because I was so frustrated that life was getting in the way of what I really needed/wanted to do. But is that true? Did I really need to do all of those things and leave myself completely depleted? Wasn’t I responsible for my resentment? After all, I was choosing to do all the things. As the saying goes, there are no victims, only volunteers.
Last year, I read this line from Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, “It is impossible to do everything people want you to do. You have just enough time to do God’s will. If you can’t get it all done, it means you’re trying to do more than God intended for you to do (or, possibly, that you’re watching too much television). Purpose-driven living leads to a simpler lifestyle and a saner schedule.” So, maybe I didn’t need to do all of those things I thought were so important. But why was it so hard for me to allow myself to loosen up on all my normal activities, responsibilities, and C. Style during such busy times? Then, I heard a sermon by Steven Furtick on the “fear of running out” in which he makes the point that he does not suffer from the fear of missing out, but instead he suffers from the fear of running out. For instance, the fear of running out of time, running out of creative ideas, running out of time to raise the kids, running out of energy, running out of motivation, running out of content, running out followers… What if I don’t have what they need? What if I can’t be who they need? Then he made a point that if it’s of God, you’ll never run out. If God wants you to have it, you won’t run out of it. As he says, “it’s in you, because God put it in you. You will not run out, because if you have Him in you, you will never lack.” And that’s when it hit me, this is why I was holding onto everything so tight. It’s because I was fearful that if I didn’t do things like I normally do them, I would run out of time, followers, ideas, content, motivation, and even worse, grace and acceptance from others. I would run out of everything I’d worked so hard for! And there it is again, the fear that said I was going to have “less of” starting in 2019.
I realized that all of my controlling, hustling, and hamster wheeling was driven by fear of running out. The fear of running out of what I worked so hard for. If I took a break, the followers would get annoyed and go away, the website traffic would go down forever and C. Style would cease to exist. So, bit by bit, during this busy season, I loosened my grip on C. Style and reminded myself, if God really wanted me to get posting done, he would make time for it. And if I lost followers, well then it’s part of his plan. There was really no time for anything else other than being present with my family and the tasks I was doing at that moment. I pushed the hustle aside and started to hold all my tasks and responsibilities loosely, while saying a constant prayer for God to lead and guide me. And you know what? Instagram, C. Style, Facebook, and you are still here. (I think I have the best followers who are my own personal cheerleaders and are probably reading this saying “way to go!” I know this because of all your sweet comments and emails.) You know what else is still there? The gym and the dishes and the project I thought was so important to do a week ago. The best part? I’m writing you right now with peace in my heart because I stayed sane during that time. My family had a sane mom and wife, and I wasn’t in a terrible mood and strung out. That alone makes it all worth it. What’s all the hustle for anyway?